So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
