you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
