So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
