even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
