Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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