I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
40s are totally the cure
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
