honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
