that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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