I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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