Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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