it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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