I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
