Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
We need to get me chipped asap
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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