you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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