you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Maybe he injected his testicle?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
