i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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