history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
