Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
