got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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