I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
