Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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