he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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