WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
