ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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