I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
