I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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