thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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