Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
