put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
