I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I need a burrito and a hug.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
