you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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