just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
