I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Randomize
