I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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