I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
