nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
