Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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