From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
