So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
