I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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