yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
