stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
