wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
