soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
