I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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