The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
