i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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