im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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