I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
