one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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